Wow.  I can’t believe how people never fail to make me feel good about myself.

“Mother coached children to fake retardation
POSTED: 1246 GMT (2046 HKT), February 27, 2007

TACOMA, Washington (AP) — A woman admitted Monday that she coached her two children to fake retardation starting when they were 4 and 8 years old so she could collect Social Security benefits on their behalf…”

– CNN.com International Edition

Really?  No kidding.

I have two kids.  I have enough trouble keeping them from acting like they are retarded.  This woman coached them to act retarded.    But she got paid for it, she got paid over $222000.  There  is not enough incentive to keep your kids from acting like they are retarded these days.

An underlying issue is the overzealous use of the word retard by CNN.  I counted five on the page.  Not very PC.  

To add to the pile of retarditude, not only did this woman and her kids rip off legitimately retarded retards, but I am sure there is some sort of copyright infringement for totally stealing the premise for “The Ringer”…or the other way around.

I smell sequel.

—

In other news:

“Five years’ jail for compulsive liar who posed as forensic expert

Karen McVeigh
Friday February 23, 2007
The Guardian

A conman who built his career posing as a forensic expert to dupe victims out of thousands of pounds was jailed for five years yesterday, as police began the task of re-investigating 700 cases in which he was involved.

Gene Morrison, 48, of Hyde, Cheshire, bluffed and lied his way through hundreds of trials, for almost three decades, fooling judges, barristers, solicitors and their clients into believing he was qualified.

He left school with no qualifications but gave evidence in cases involving armed robbery, rape, death by dangerous driving, unexplained death, drugs offences and questioned paternity…”

-Guardian Unlimited Network

Also arrested…television shows CSI Miami, CSI New York, and CSI Las Vegas, after it was found the CSI teams were  in fact, actors.

“We lied to you.” 

– Lt Horatio Caine – IN FACT actor David Caruso commenting on CSI: Miami’s five seasons of  LIES

 Be careful out there people, you don’t know if that forensic investigating retard is legit or not.

End of the week is finally here.  Valentines Day completed.  Birthday survived.  Long weekend ahead.  Family day to look forward to.

The X92.9 radio spot went well, a couple of people mentioned they heard me.  Josh and James were good guys about having me around for a few minutes. 

The second week of judging was interesting.  I had the misfortune of having to ‘lose it’ on the first act.  My intention was to make it clear to “come prepared.”  You enter a contest where pe0ple are vyying for $25000, so why wouldn’t you, maybe, oh I don’t know, jot down a thought or two rather than “wing it” using lame dick references with the mic stand? 

Regardless, a sincere “congrats” go out to Don Woods for being the number one dude, and Chris Gordon and Trevor Buchanan for walking away with a tie for second.  They will make the next round for the Calgary finals.

In other news, Joe Rogan has outed a HACK recently which has caused quite a stir.  Too bad for the HACK in question where he has documented evidence against him.  It isn’t even worth mentioning his name as I have the belief that our name is what we are in this industry.  His name is HACK, and he epitomises the bottom of the barrel in the comedy industry.  You do not borrow material, you do not steal material, you do not HACK.

I agree with what Joe has written on his site where he states these HACKS get away with what they do, because no one holds them accountable due to fear of repraisal.  I honestly believe, as part of the sad, silent majority of fuming comedians, that we feel there is not a lot we can do as lesser knowns.  I have seen HACKS confronted where the reaction is textbook: classic denial.  I have seen the same thing where either they act like, or they are genuinely unaware of what losers they are.  Not only do they deny it, but they are astonished that anyone would try to discredit them.  Complete bullsh*t. 

Joe, you are truly a comedian’s comedian.  You are a hero.  Make that HACK your bitch.

Your plagarist, loser, no talent, bitch.

Tonight is the second night of judging for the Calgary selection for the Great Canadian Laugh Off.  I have a radio spot on  X-96.9 with Josh Holliday before we head over to Yuk Yuks to fufill our Judge duties.  I’m nursing a cold and can only hope I can bring the level of energy required for such tasks.

And COULD THERE BE MORE SNOW?!?

…And it’s my birthday tomorrow…

Everyone have a happy Lupercalia!  I would encourage everyone to check out the link.  Valentines day was originally Lupercalia, “The Lupercalia observed a very ancient and sexy, possibly pre-Roman pastoral festival, held on February 15 to avert evil spirits and purify the city, releasing health and fertility…”  “…The object of the festival was, by expiation and purification, to secure the fruitfulness of the land, the increase of the flocks and the prosperity of the whole people. It survived until 494, when it was changed by Pope Gelasius into the feast of the Purification of the Virgin (then on February 14, now on February 2)…” “…Gelasius finally abolished the Lupercalia after a long contest. The feast of St. Valentine among a host of unknown martyrs was first declared February 14 by Pope Gelasius I in 496.”

And it has now evolved into a commercialized day of “love”, you know, for people who “love” to buy flowers, chocolate, and jewelry, or for others that “love” to feel alienated and lonely for not being in a relationship.  ‘Cause that is what Saint Valentine was all about.

The first night of judging passed February 06th.  I had a fine time reviewing the talent with Josh Holliday from X92.9 FM, and Holly Watt representing Yuk Yuks.  Good times.  The show went well and we got to see a full range of comedy style and talent.  Tony Binns came away as the nights winner.  I am proud of Tony as he has also had a pivotal role in the development of my career as an esteemed peer.  He’s been a mainstay as a good friend since the inception of my pursuit of comedy.  I’ve always admired his ability to perform intelligent, clean comedy, that, and he’s one of the only guys who gets jokes about grammar.

Me: “You know what’s fun?  Grammar is.”

Audience: (Sound FX – Cricket chirp)

Tony (back of room): “Hee-hee-hee.” 

As it turns out Josh has an extensive perfoming history himself, having performed in theatre and comedy stages in Toronto.  He has also played rugby, so I think his knowlege of the hilarious and cleats to the neck should prove very helpful.  I’m looking forward to exchanging stories of the Rivoli and Spirits, and getting a prop to the face trying to set up a maul with a scrum half.

 He’ll get it like Tony Binns gets grammar.

Tonight I get to showcase for Comedy Now. 

“How would you like your comedy?”

“NOW!”

I’ll have to wait to see what happens.   Yep, I find out later about Comedy Now. 

This stuff writes itself.

This year is gonna be a good one…or not, but I have hope.  Fresh start with a fresh web site.  I have a new CD and DVD, with video of the DVD in the “Video” section of the site – check it out.  Updates will be regular, looking forward to imposing my opinions on you.